To the Dearly Departed, May Peace Be With You

It is December 3, 2009 and another teen killed themselves today. I am so sad. He was a 14 year old boy who was a freshman at Pine Ridge High School. This is the 5^th suicide of a student this school year. Not even a full two weeks ago, a 14 year old girl attending the high school where I work and who was also a freshman killed herself.

As I sat with this news, I pondered why I moved home, I was not sure I could remember. I kept thinking, “Have I made a mistake in bringing my child to this community where there is so much pain and suffering?” For very personal reasons to me and to Sierra, we made a choice to move home, to be closer to our culture, to be able to participate in our ceremonies, to be closer to relatives. We moved home for what seems like all the right reasons people move home. I know in my heart we made the right choice for us, but on days like today I cannot help but wonder and doubt myself.

And I was reminded by a loved one of what I told him just a few weeks ago even. I want to be a part of the solution, I want to be a person of action. No let me say this out loud. I AM PART OF THE SOLUTION. I AM A PERSON OF ACTION.

My daughter is safe. I have a very strong support network here that is full of love, laughter and spirituality. We pray together. We eat together. We work together. We play together. But still, who’s to say these last two teens didn’t come from the same environment? I don’t know. I do know that I will continue to live my life in a way that is spiritually based. I pray daily. I forgive myself and others daily. I ask for guidance daily. I love daily. These are the things I will keep doing, one day at a time. I will build on what I have and these things are in my heart.

I felt helpless today when our high school counselors banned together and went to the K-8 school Loneman to support the students there, today’s victim had just graduated 8^th grade in May so many of those young students knew him. As I said goodbye to my colleagues, I realized I needed to get trained in how to handle suicides so I can be part of the support system that locks into place when one of our kids takes their own lives.

There is an organization here in Pine Ridge called the Sweet Grass Project. I don’t know much about them, except that they showed up at Red Cloud High School two weeks ago when our freshman girl took her life. According to the Lakota Times, “the project’s name 'Sweet Grass' came from Jess Taken Alive, Hunkpapa Lakota who said, “the answers for our youth are amongst us within our culture. Understanding the use of sweet grass with prayer alone could save a youth, by teaching them to acknowledge oneself and the world we are in through prayer." I am going to learn how to become a part of the team of dedicated individuals who are the first to show up in a community where suicide has impacted lives.

So with that, while we talk of our big dreams of my daughter attending Dartmouth and me obtaining a Master’s degree in Urban and Community Planning, another young life has been taken from our community. A young Lakota man is dead. This is the cold truth of our community tonight.

As a snow storm settles into our valley, sure to dump on us, I sit and ponder did I make the right choice? When I see my daughter and my mother laughing together, I know I did. When I hear my two nieces laughing hysterically at the dog, I know I did. When I see my daughter studying Lakota words for her Lakota language class, I know I did. When I see my stepdad walk up and hug my mom for no reason, I know I did. When I look into my own mother’s eyes and see unconditional love, I know I did. When I look into the mirror and see that woman who smiles back, I know I did.

To the Dearly Departed, Peace Be With You.